Last night was the very first live shows of The X Factor 2010. They’ve really upped their game with the sound effects and VTs, at various points in the night I felt like I was watching Avatar at an IMAX, I’m dreading the new “deadlock” effects, I fear the whole thing may induce some class of excitement-incurred heart attack. Unfortunately, despite the nature of live TV, no one (Cheryl or otherwise) punched anyone in the face and no one ran onto the stage with a pineapple on their head. Shame.
You probably watched it already (and if you didn’t then shame on you), so let’s just go over the stand-out performances of the night. I was initially going to review them all but there were a bloody lot of them, weren’t there? At one point I had to check my own pulse to make sure I wasn’t dead of old age. I’m all for giving a platform to talented people but come along now, 16 performances in one night’s a bit excessive isn’t it? Even Eurovision has Terry Wogan slagging the whole thing off in his usual tactless manner to distract you, but what does X Factor have? Dermot O’Leary and Louis Walsh. Good lord. Make mine a whisky. Hold onto your hats, folks…
BIG FAT MARY – IT’S A MAN’S MAN’S MAN’S WORLD
Now I’m not shy about my love for Mary “Big Fat Mary” Byrne, and last night she really proved herself as a real contender in the competition. Her performance was absolutely faultless. And she looked fierce (for a fat lass, obviously). I’ll tell you what it is, though, if I have to watch that footage of her behind her till at Tesco as if this is the most shameless job in the world I’m going to put my foot through the telly. I tell you what, though, I’m dying for Mary and Louis to get their own chatshow on ITV2 when The X Factor is over. Not since B*Witched has an explosion of irishness brought so much joy onto the world. Good on you, Mary. You’re definitely safe. For now.
MATT THE HAT – WHEN LOVE TAKES OVER
Matt is obviously not reading this blog, as in my last entry I suggested he take that stupid hat off when he’s indoors. Supposedly, Matt performed really well last night, but unfortunately his singing was drowned out by my own cries of “I wish he’d take that bloody hat off”, “he’s still wearing that hat”, “what the eff’s he doing still wearing that hat?” Seriously though, he was bloody good last night performing a SERIOUS version of David Guetta’s “When Love Takes Over” which was all well and good but really “When Love Takes Over” is an ARMS IN THE AIR DANCE SONG of epic proportions, so when you go changing it up and making it “all about the music” it ruffles my feathers a little bit and implies the original arrangement wasn’t good enough. I do like Matt but really is he bringing anything new to the table? NO HE IS NOT. Cheryl said she can imagine him painting a skirting board, which I hope is not a euphemism as this is her first X Factor as a single lady…
AIDEN THE BELL END – MAD WORLD
SOMEBODY SOUND THE SERIOUS ALARM IT’S TIME FOR AIDEN TO SING. Am I the only one who finds the above video absolutely terrifying?
That right there is the face of someone who knows where the bodies are hidden, isn’t it? It seems like everyone’s really raving about Aiden Grimshaw at the minute, but I simply do not get it. Largely because, as I will tell anyone who’ll listen, he is a massive bell end.
CHER “NO DESSERT FOR ME THANKS I’M STUFFED, JUST OFF TO THE TOILET” LLOYD – JUST BE GOOD TO ME
Cher Lloyd is a proper popstar. She is not by any means the best singer in the competition, she’s probably not even in the top 5, but she has this endearing quality about her that makes people talk about her. Last night she really redeemed herself after what can only be described as a disaster of a performance at Cheryl’s house, and I bloody enjoyed watching her let me tell you. One criticism, though. It seems that as the competition goes on, Cher is getting thinner and thinner which is simply no good whatsoever. Perhaps, living in a house with Big Fat Mary, she (and the other contestants) don’t get to see as many of the goodies from the snack cupboard as much as they’d like to (Cher: Has someone eaten the last of the HobNobs? – Mary *crumbs around mouth*: No…). I think this girl will go far and she deserves to. PLUS SHE RAPS. What’s not to love about a white woman rapping? Oh… now I remember. On a slightly unrelated note, LOOK AT THE PRIDE IN CHERYL’S FACE:
Amazing.
BELLE ENDE (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA) – AIRPLANES
Belle Amie are more than likely going tonight, and they deserve to because last night they were really rubbish. Their harmonies were all over the place and they looked like four random girls pulled off the street and forced to perform together. I wonder why that could be? PERHAPS IT IS BECAUSE THEY ARE FOUR RANDOM GIRLS PULLED OFF THE STREET. A massive failure on Simon Cowell’s part, and I think he knows it as well.
WAGNER – SHE BANGS/LOVE SHACK
At several points during Wagner’s performance I questioned whether or not my cup of tea had unknowingly been spiked with something a bit stronger than Splenda. I mean, really. What on earth is going on there? I paid £12 to see Jedward performing at Powerhouse last December (it was actually a horrible experience where we were packed in to the club like battery hens and, to pass the time, the man next to me decided to give his boyfriend a handjob. Up against me. I was not impressed), but even I can’t condone putting Wagner through. All I can say is that Louis clearly knows he doesn’t have the winning category, and putting Wagner through is his way of sticking his middle finger up at the competition. And speaking of extended digits– did anyone see Sharon Osbourne’s toe at Louis’ house??? WHAT A PECULIAR TOE IT IS.
Goodness me. Not so much “this little piggie went to market” as “what a big fat piggie”. The toe, not Sharon herself. She is far from a fat piggie, largely due to the gastric band she had fitted. Dear me.
UNLIKEABLE HOMOS – SUNNY
This news might shock and disturb you, but I myself am homosexually inclined. I’ll give you a moment to process that information, it does often catch people off guard when they hear. But as a gay man, I actually found the Diva Fever performance last night quite offensive, which is exactly what happens when you leave straight people to think things that will supposedly appeal to gay people. If you’re not in the club, you just don’t get it. You can’t deliberately make something “camp” because to make something “camp” is to make something deliberately “shite” and if something is deliberately “shite” then that’s exactly what it is. There’s more camp value in Big Fat Mary swishing her hips about to a giant ballad than in two generic homos in lycra shorts and insincere grins, and I don’t believe for one second that either of those boys will have come off the stage last night thinking anything other than “oh holy Mary I’ve just sent my integrity down the river”. When I heard Diva Fever were through I got excited and thought maybe an edgy gay duo could be just what Saturday night entertainment needs, I thought maybe Simon would use his loaf and give them an Adam Lambert or Scissor Sisters number to do. Instead we got that heap of nauseating rubbish wrapped in 20-year old sterotypes about gay people. Fair enough, Louie Spence was probably sat at home clapping his hands- but what about Peter Tatchell? What about Ian McKellen? What about Peter Mandelson? I’m sure they wouldn’t have been quite as thrilled at the tornado of glitter and spandex that took to the stage last night.
LASS WHO CRIES ALL THE TIME – TEARDROPS
Last night when she was finished singing, Simon Cowell obviously twigged that the “no confidence/cries all the time” schtick isn’t working very well and tried to diffuse the situation with a conversation that might as well have gone like this:
Simon: I just want to put all that to bed, now, because you’re not really like that are you?
Rebecca: No. *starts to cry*
Am I the only one who thinks she looks a lot like Janice from The Muppets?
Maybe that’s just me.
OK then folks, 7 minutes until tonight’s six hour long (practically) X Factor extravaganza gets going, so get comfy, get your tin of Celebrations on your knee (unless you’re Cher Lloyd for whom sniffing the wrappers is a feast enough) and get ready for more madness and mayhem. Don’t forget if you want to let me know who you’re loving, who you’re hating or anything else you can drop me a comment, which would simply be lovely.
Laters!
Through To Boot Camp 