Arms In The Air Week

If you follow me on Twitter then you have probably heard me going on about my “Arms In The Air” iTunes playlist, which is the iTunes playlist to end all playlists. The only reason I bother getting out of bed in the morning and facing my dismal life is knowing that at some point during the day I will put it on and feel better. On one playlist, consisting of thirty tracks, twenty of them are Higher by The Saturdays, the greatest song of this decade so far (fair enough it has only been 10 months since the dawn of the decade but it really is an amazing song).

 

This week the contestants are all doing Beatles songs. This is a snooze-fest of an idea, especially considering what an epic failure Elton John week was. Mainly, Elton John Week was a failure because none of the contestants performed I Want Love which is truly Elton John’s best song, and unlike his so-called “signature” song it doesn’t contain the lyric “Marilyn was found in the nude”:

 

In a perfect world, the contestants would be performing songs from my awe-inspiring “Arms In The Air” playlist. So, before tomorrow’s boring extravaganza, here are my predictions for what they’ll be singing and what they could be singing if Simon Cowell came to his senses and let me loose as a producer.

 

BIG FAT MARY

Will probably be singing: With A Little Help From My Friends

 

The weird thing about The Beatles is that while their songs undoubtedly changed pop music forever, none of them are particularly challenging vocally. In fact, they’re generally quite simplistic. Let’s not forget the life-changing “she loves you, yeah yeah yeah, she loves you, yeah yeah yeah, she loves you yeah yeah yeah (wait for it) yeah”. So for someone like Mary whose performance relies on her showing off her amazing range, The Beatles is going to be a difficult one for her. That is unless you consider her covering an already re-worked version of a song, such as Joe Cocker’s shouty version of With A Little Help From My Friends.

 

However, as with most things in life, The Muppets do it best:

 

Should be performing: Dancing On My Own

 

Perhaps I’m a bit biased here, but I believe someone with as much homosexual appeal as Big Fat Mary should really be doing a few more uptempo songs. As a Dusty Springfield fan, Mary understands sad messages wrapped in upbeat music. Not since Abba has anyone accomplished this melancholy in pop music like Robyn does. On a side note, have you ever sat down and listened to Abba’s lyrics? They are really, really tragic. Dancing Queen is all about yearning for lost youth; Super Trouper is about loneliness on the road; Gimme Gimme Gimme is about desperation and yearning for anyone to rescue you from your ridiculous life. No wonder the gays are so fond of Abba.

 

So anyway, Mary. She should be doing a few disco tracks, shouldn’t she? Think back to Halloween, she was fantastic. I want to see more of that side of her. Never mind Can You Feel The Love Tonight, and never mind With A Little Help From My Friends. For my fictional “Arms In The Air” week, I want to see Mary weeping over an unrequited love as only a Scandinavian like Robyn really can.

 

KATIE “MOST HATED WOMAN IN BRITAIN” WAISSEL

Will probably be singing: Yesterday

 

Poor old Katie Waissel, eh? Now I know you hate her, but why do you hate her? Because she’s posh? Because perhaps she’s a little annoying? Surely not still because of Gamu? Katie hasn’t done anything to warrant the barrage of hatred that’s come her way since she started her X Factor journey, and I think in a few years when she’s been glassed in her local for no reason and someone’s put shite through her letterbox she’ll regret ever auditioning. I think at this stage of her unpopularity, she could really relate to the sadness of Yesterday, yearning for a time when things were simpler and life was “such an easy game to play” before she needed to find “a place to hide away”. Poor lamb. Tell you what, though, she was rubbish last week, wasn’t she?

 

Should be singing: Firework

 

Similarly, in an “Arms In The Air” situation it would be great to see Katie coming back fighting with a song about embracing what makes you different and makes you stand out, and putting yourself out there regardless of what people think. The jury is still out on Katy Perry’s own X Factor performance of the song. Everyone I run into seems to want to pull off their ears whenever they mention it, but I think it was a pretty good performance. Obviously the singing could be better but when has that ever mattered? What’s that? It’s a talent contest? Oh.

 

PAIJE RICHARDSON

Will probably be singing: Can’t Buy Me Love

 

Simon Cowell pointed out last week that Paije’s chances of winning the competition now stand at 0. I completely agree. At the end of the day does it matter what he sings? No it does not.

 

Should be singing: Only Girl (In The World)

 

This was the last song left on the playlist, so I decided it would be performed by Paije. He’d obviously have to change the words to Only Boy (In The World). If this were a real week, Paije would be in the bottom two, no question. Every act in the contest would be saved over him. Sorry, Paije.

 

WAGNER

Will probably be singing: Octopus’s Garden/Under The Sea

 

What bell ends are voting for Wagner? People who think they’re being ironic and alternative by keeping him in the contest are ridiculous. Why waste your money on voting for someone with no talent just to spite Simon Cowell who, fair enough, is maybe robbing the music industry of character and “real” talent. But if it weren’t for The X Factor then the world would not have “Broken Heels” in it, and this would not be a world worth living in, would it? No it would not.

 

Yes, I think Wagner will probably sing about a line of Octopus’s Garden (is there a deeper meaning to this song I’m missing, or is it just Ringo Starr proving why he never gets to write anything once and for all?) and then fanny about with fish and mermaids doing Under The Sea.

 

Should be doing: You Used To Hold Me

 

This song epitomises what “Arms In The Air” is all about, and I think hearing it in Wagner’s unmistakeable (and indecipherable) Brazilian accent would be an aural treat.

 

REBECCA “HAS STOPPED CRYING AND IS NOW PORTRAYED AS QUITE BUBBLY” FERGUSON

Will probably be performing: Let It Be

 

Obvious choice, but she’d do a lovely version. At the minute Cher is my favourite contestant but I’d most like to see Rebecca win because she deserves it the most. She’s the most talented person on the show, and it’d be lush for her to give her kids a better life. I think she’d look like she “meant” this song, and there’d be pyrotechnics over the last chorus and maybe a cheeky choir. I imagine it would close the show and all four judges would give her a standing ovation. Louis would go “you’re a star, Rebecca, you’re a star” and Simon would go “Rebecca when I heard you were going to do this song, and tonight you proved…” and the audience would quickly gasp, and then he’d add “that I was wrong”, flashing his beautiful white teeth and making me feel less guilty about putting so much money and attention into the evil operation he’s running.

 

Should be performing: Higher

 

Imagine a slowed-down blues-y version of this. No I can’t either. This blog isn’t as funny as I was hoping.

 

Testicles.

 

That didn’t help either.

 

ONE “THEY’RE ALL OVER 16 SO IT’S PERFECTLY OK TO FANCY THEM” DIRECTION

Will probably be performing: Something

 

One of the most beautiful love songs of all time, performed by five of the most beautiful young men in Britain. I must admit, aside from fancying the bones off them, I don’t really rate One Direction as performers but I thought last week’s performance absolutely stole the show and if they continue in that vain they could easily win this show. Plus, they are really, really fit. Here they are in order of how fit I think they are:

 

1. Louis (has nice arms)

2. Liam (is also fit but has that mole on his neck which is something of a distraction)

3. Harry (would be higher up the list but I suspect my mam fancies him which puts me off him a bit)

4. Niall (essentially pointless)

5. Zain (has his mic turned off every time he tries to sing a solo line)

 

Should be singing: Indestructible

 

Probably my favourite song by Robyn, who is certainly in my top 30 favourite singers ever. Definitely not the top 10, though. The poor dear. Another song about coming back fighting, but still a bit teary-eyed, after love has kicked you in the balls. Plus, hearing them singing about being vulnerable and wounded would probably make me fancy them a bit more.

 

MATT CARDLE

Will probably be singing: While My Guitar Gently Weeps

 

My favourite Beatle is George Harrison, because everything he writes about is absolutely extreme. It’s a bit like this blog what I wrote one time about Morrissey in that he doesn’t feel things by halves. Here Comes The Sun is about a drastic change in the mood, Something is about being entirely and completely smitten with someone, and While My Guitar Gently Weeps is such a bleak little number, I adore it. George Harrison, man. What a star.

 

So anyway, last week Matt proved that he does a haunting ballad quite well with his performance of Goodbye Yellow Brick Road. Until I heard him sing that I was left utterly cold by Matt, but I was completely blown away by his rendition of the song. More importantly, it inspired me to dig out my Muppet Show DVDs to re-watch the Elton John episode for this moment:

 

Scooter loves Elton = Scooter is clearly a homosexual.

 

Continuing in a similar way by performing a song like While My Guitar Gently Weeps would be a smart move for Team Minogue. More importantly, it would be a good opportunity for us to see Matt on his guitar again, which is good because it makes his arms look fit. Let’s head back to the Muppet theatre to see how it should be done, though:

 

 

What he should be performing: When Love Takes Over

 

He’s done it before, and it reminds me of when I first started going clubbing and would regularly have my arms in the air for Kelly Rowland. Unfortunately, this came on at my Sixth Form Leavers Ball when I was being sick in the toilet. Fantastic stuff.

 

CHER “BEST FRIENDS WITH KATIE WAISSEL, TELL YOU WHAT KATIE WHY DON’T YOU HAVE MY DINNER I’M REALLY NOT HUNGRY” LLOYD

Will probably be performing: Imagine

 

Yup. Cher will be singing Imagine. Of course she will.

 

Should be performing: Poison

 

This is Nicole Scherzinger’s new single. I have listened to it about a hundred times today. I wish I could have gone out tonight and shaken my rear to it but unfortunately I had to work. Gutted.

 

Are you excited for Beatles Week or would you rather have an Arms In The Air extravaganza? Do you think that using 15,000 YouTube videos in one blog is a distraction or do you enjoy a multimedia bombardment? On a scale of 1-10 how much happier are you now you have the new Nicole Scherzinger song in your life?

 

Laters!

D xx