Arms In The Air Week

If you follow me on Twitter then you have probably heard me going on about my “Arms In The Air” iTunes playlist, which is the iTunes playlist to end all playlists. The only reason I bother getting out of bed in the morning and facing my dismal life is knowing that at some point during the day I will put it on and feel better. On one playlist, consisting of thirty tracks, twenty of them are Higher by The Saturdays, the greatest song of this decade so far (fair enough it has only been 10 months since the dawn of the decade but it really is an amazing song).

 

This week the contestants are all doing Beatles songs. This is a snooze-fest of an idea, especially considering what an epic failure Elton John week was. Mainly, Elton John Week was a failure because none of the contestants performed I Want Love which is truly Elton John’s best song, and unlike his so-called “signature” song it doesn’t contain the lyric “Marilyn was found in the nude”:

 

In a perfect world, the contestants would be performing songs from my awe-inspiring “Arms In The Air” playlist. So, before tomorrow’s boring extravaganza, here are my predictions for what they’ll be singing and what they could be singing if Simon Cowell came to his senses and let me loose as a producer.

 

BIG FAT MARY

Will probably be singing: With A Little Help From My Friends

 

The weird thing about The Beatles is that while their songs undoubtedly changed pop music forever, none of them are particularly challenging vocally. In fact, they’re generally quite simplistic. Let’s not forget the life-changing “she loves you, yeah yeah yeah, she loves you, yeah yeah yeah, she loves you yeah yeah yeah (wait for it) yeah”. So for someone like Mary whose performance relies on her showing off her amazing range, The Beatles is going to be a difficult one for her. That is unless you consider her covering an already re-worked version of a song, such as Joe Cocker’s shouty version of With A Little Help From My Friends.

 

However, as with most things in life, The Muppets do it best:

 

Should be performing: Dancing On My Own

 

Perhaps I’m a bit biased here, but I believe someone with as much homosexual appeal as Big Fat Mary should really be doing a few more uptempo songs. As a Dusty Springfield fan, Mary understands sad messages wrapped in upbeat music. Not since Abba has anyone accomplished this melancholy in pop music like Robyn does. On a side note, have you ever sat down and listened to Abba’s lyrics? They are really, really tragic. Dancing Queen is all about yearning for lost youth; Super Trouper is about loneliness on the road; Gimme Gimme Gimme is about desperation and yearning for anyone to rescue you from your ridiculous life. No wonder the gays are so fond of Abba.

 

So anyway, Mary. She should be doing a few disco tracks, shouldn’t she? Think back to Halloween, she was fantastic. I want to see more of that side of her. Never mind Can You Feel The Love Tonight, and never mind With A Little Help From My Friends. For my fictional “Arms In The Air” week, I want to see Mary weeping over an unrequited love as only a Scandinavian like Robyn really can.

 

KATIE “MOST HATED WOMAN IN BRITAIN” WAISSEL

Will probably be singing: Yesterday

 

Poor old Katie Waissel, eh? Now I know you hate her, but why do you hate her? Because she’s posh? Because perhaps she’s a little annoying? Surely not still because of Gamu? Katie hasn’t done anything to warrant the barrage of hatred that’s come her way since she started her X Factor journey, and I think in a few years when she’s been glassed in her local for no reason and someone’s put shite through her letterbox she’ll regret ever auditioning. I think at this stage of her unpopularity, she could really relate to the sadness of Yesterday, yearning for a time when things were simpler and life was “such an easy game to play” before she needed to find “a place to hide away”. Poor lamb. Tell you what, though, she was rubbish last week, wasn’t she?

 

Should be singing: Firework

 

Similarly, in an “Arms In The Air” situation it would be great to see Katie coming back fighting with a song about embracing what makes you different and makes you stand out, and putting yourself out there regardless of what people think. The jury is still out on Katy Perry’s own X Factor performance of the song. Everyone I run into seems to want to pull off their ears whenever they mention it, but I think it was a pretty good performance. Obviously the singing could be better but when has that ever mattered? What’s that? It’s a talent contest? Oh.

 

PAIJE RICHARDSON

Will probably be singing: Can’t Buy Me Love

 

Simon Cowell pointed out last week that Paije’s chances of winning the competition now stand at 0. I completely agree. At the end of the day does it matter what he sings? No it does not.

 

Should be singing: Only Girl (In The World)

 

This was the last song left on the playlist, so I decided it would be performed by Paije. He’d obviously have to change the words to Only Boy (In The World). If this were a real week, Paije would be in the bottom two, no question. Every act in the contest would be saved over him. Sorry, Paije.

 

WAGNER

Will probably be singing: Octopus’s Garden/Under The Sea

 

What bell ends are voting for Wagner? People who think they’re being ironic and alternative by keeping him in the contest are ridiculous. Why waste your money on voting for someone with no talent just to spite Simon Cowell who, fair enough, is maybe robbing the music industry of character and “real” talent. But if it weren’t for The X Factor then the world would not have “Broken Heels” in it, and this would not be a world worth living in, would it? No it would not.

 

Yes, I think Wagner will probably sing about a line of Octopus’s Garden (is there a deeper meaning to this song I’m missing, or is it just Ringo Starr proving why he never gets to write anything once and for all?) and then fanny about with fish and mermaids doing Under The Sea.

 

Should be doing: You Used To Hold Me

 

This song epitomises what “Arms In The Air” is all about, and I think hearing it in Wagner’s unmistakeable (and indecipherable) Brazilian accent would be an aural treat.

 

REBECCA “HAS STOPPED CRYING AND IS NOW PORTRAYED AS QUITE BUBBLY” FERGUSON

Will probably be performing: Let It Be

 

Obvious choice, but she’d do a lovely version. At the minute Cher is my favourite contestant but I’d most like to see Rebecca win because she deserves it the most. She’s the most talented person on the show, and it’d be lush for her to give her kids a better life. I think she’d look like she “meant” this song, and there’d be pyrotechnics over the last chorus and maybe a cheeky choir. I imagine it would close the show and all four judges would give her a standing ovation. Louis would go “you’re a star, Rebecca, you’re a star” and Simon would go “Rebecca when I heard you were going to do this song, and tonight you proved…” and the audience would quickly gasp, and then he’d add “that I was wrong”, flashing his beautiful white teeth and making me feel less guilty about putting so much money and attention into the evil operation he’s running.

 

Should be performing: Higher

 

Imagine a slowed-down blues-y version of this. No I can’t either. This blog isn’t as funny as I was hoping.

 

Testicles.

 

That didn’t help either.

 

ONE “THEY’RE ALL OVER 16 SO IT’S PERFECTLY OK TO FANCY THEM” DIRECTION

Will probably be performing: Something

 

One of the most beautiful love songs of all time, performed by five of the most beautiful young men in Britain. I must admit, aside from fancying the bones off them, I don’t really rate One Direction as performers but I thought last week’s performance absolutely stole the show and if they continue in that vain they could easily win this show. Plus, they are really, really fit. Here they are in order of how fit I think they are:

 

1. Louis (has nice arms)

2. Liam (is also fit but has that mole on his neck which is something of a distraction)

3. Harry (would be higher up the list but I suspect my mam fancies him which puts me off him a bit)

4. Niall (essentially pointless)

5. Zain (has his mic turned off every time he tries to sing a solo line)

 

Should be singing: Indestructible

 

Probably my favourite song by Robyn, who is certainly in my top 30 favourite singers ever. Definitely not the top 10, though. The poor dear. Another song about coming back fighting, but still a bit teary-eyed, after love has kicked you in the balls. Plus, hearing them singing about being vulnerable and wounded would probably make me fancy them a bit more.

 

MATT CARDLE

Will probably be singing: While My Guitar Gently Weeps

 

My favourite Beatle is George Harrison, because everything he writes about is absolutely extreme. It’s a bit like this blog what I wrote one time about Morrissey in that he doesn’t feel things by halves. Here Comes The Sun is about a drastic change in the mood, Something is about being entirely and completely smitten with someone, and While My Guitar Gently Weeps is such a bleak little number, I adore it. George Harrison, man. What a star.

 

So anyway, last week Matt proved that he does a haunting ballad quite well with his performance of Goodbye Yellow Brick Road. Until I heard him sing that I was left utterly cold by Matt, but I was completely blown away by his rendition of the song. More importantly, it inspired me to dig out my Muppet Show DVDs to re-watch the Elton John episode for this moment:

 

Scooter loves Elton = Scooter is clearly a homosexual.

 

Continuing in a similar way by performing a song like While My Guitar Gently Weeps would be a smart move for Team Minogue. More importantly, it would be a good opportunity for us to see Matt on his guitar again, which is good because it makes his arms look fit. Let’s head back to the Muppet theatre to see how it should be done, though:

 

 

What he should be performing: When Love Takes Over

 

He’s done it before, and it reminds me of when I first started going clubbing and would regularly have my arms in the air for Kelly Rowland. Unfortunately, this came on at my Sixth Form Leavers Ball when I was being sick in the toilet. Fantastic stuff.

 

CHER “BEST FRIENDS WITH KATIE WAISSEL, TELL YOU WHAT KATIE WHY DON’T YOU HAVE MY DINNER I’M REALLY NOT HUNGRY” LLOYD

Will probably be performing: Imagine

 

Yup. Cher will be singing Imagine. Of course she will.

 

Should be performing: Poison

 

This is Nicole Scherzinger’s new single. I have listened to it about a hundred times today. I wish I could have gone out tonight and shaken my rear to it but unfortunately I had to work. Gutted.

 

Are you excited for Beatles Week or would you rather have an Arms In The Air extravaganza? Do you think that using 15,000 YouTube videos in one blog is a distraction or do you enjoy a multimedia bombardment? On a scale of 1-10 how much happier are you now you have the new Nicole Scherzinger song in your life?

 

Laters!

D xx

“You better hope and pray” – Cher Lloyd, X Factor 2010.

Oh I’ve just remembered, in the 5 days since taking to the stage, Cher Lloyd’s performance of Shakespeare’s Sister’s “Stay” has clocked up over 2 million hits on YouTube. In case you haven’t already seen it, I recommend that you make that view count 2 million and one, because it really is something to behold:

 

On a more personal note, I downloaded Cher’s performance from iTunes on Saturday night, and it is already in my top 30 most played on iTunes:

 

So, what have we learned from this blog?:

1. Cher Lloyd is very popular on the interweb.

2. I have terrible, terrible taste in music

“Gentlemen, start your engines. And may the best woman win” – RuPaul

Have you ever sat down watching America’s Next Top Model and thought to yourself, “hmmm, I appreciate this but wouldn’t it be a lot better if these girls were replaced with drag queens”. Clearly RuPaul thought this himself, and brought us RuPaul’s Drag Race, which airs at 1.05am on E4 every Wednesday night. Next time you’re up at that time wondering what trash there is to watch, then stick my new favourite reality show on. It’d be nice to have someone to talk to it about.

 

Undoubtedly the campest thing on TV, so far guest judges have included Jackie Collins, Kathy Griffin and Debbie Reynolds. If you think you’ve seen it all, then I can promise you haven’t until you’ve seen RuPaul giving his “girls” tips on how to bring out their inner drag queen. At this stage in the competition only four “ladies” remain:

 

1. The Beautiful Jujubee

 

2. The Annoying Tatiana

 

3. The Obnoxious Tyra Sanchez

 

4. The Frankly Rather Terrifying Raven.

 

Don’t tell me you don’t wanna see these four bitches fighting it out to be crowned the ultimate drag superstar. I heartily recommend that if you have a hankering for some distasteful trash telly, then stick E4 on next Wednesday night to check out these girls and what RuPaul himself calls their “charisma, uniqueness, nerve and talent”. Charisma. Uniqueness. Nerve. Talent. Geddit?

“I apologise” – Wagner, X Factor 2010

It was another big night for The X Factor last night. On Halloween Eve (is Halloween Eve actually a thing, or have I just made that up?), the contestants put on their best spooky performances and the results were chilling and, in some cases, genuinely terrifying. Take Aiden Grimshaw for example. Every week he looks more and more like he is going to reach out of the TV and very quietly throttle you before climbing back in and finishing his song. Last night he performed a weird acoustic version of Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” surrounded by these weird mannequin-style dancers. During the comments Cheryl Cole said “you’re 18 I just want to see you smile”, which provoked Aiden to pull this face:

 

 

Now I know that I am known for being a miserable thing as well, but even I know that the above image does not show a smiling teenager. If that is what counts as a smile in Grimshaw-land then I dread to think what happens when they’re feeling angry.

 

Another of my highlights was Mary “Big Fat Mary” Byrne coming out in some racy devil horns and being called a “horny devil” by Simon Cowell, which actually made me a little bit sick. She opened the show with a performance of “Could It Be Magic?” which was possibly the campest thing that has ever been broadcast on television before. Let’s watch:

I literally adore this woman. People slam The X Factor for killing “real” music, but where else is a 50-year old Tesco work going to get a platform for becoming a national treasure like Mary has? I think people need to lighten up, if you ask me.

 

Speaking of which, the bit in Leona Lewis’s “Bleeding Love” where she goes “you cut me open and Iiiiiiiiiiiiiii” is the greatest piece of recorded sound of all time. The song itself is not all that, but fast-forward to 3:32 of this to hear what I mean for yourself:

 

 

Beautiful. Can you think of a song that features a 5-second section that sums up more about life and love than that bit of Bleeding Love? No, you can’t. Such a thing doesn’t exist. Yet last night Matt Cardle managed (hatlessly, thank God) to make this passionate song into an utter snooze-fest. The strange thing was that it sounded like a Snow Patrol version of a Leona Lewis song, when we’ve already heard what can happen when the opposite happens (Run, remember?) Let’s just remind ourselves of Matt’s yawn-inducing performance, I advise having some Pro Plus at hand in case you doze off in the middle:

 

 

How this man is favourite to win the competition ahead of the eccentric Katie Waissel and the fire-ball of Cher Lloyd is beyond me. And speaking of Cher, she was the absolute performer of the night. Last night it was suggested she should do a song that featured more actual singing (in lieu of her trademark rapping). What she did was a haunting ballad that caught me, and presumably everyone else watching, completely off-guard. Gone was her swagger, her dancers, her attitude. Left on the stage was a girl and her voice. Check out the performance here:

 

 

Sorry I mean here:

 

 

The best part of the night came after Treyc Cohen’s performance of Relight My Fire which was completely unmemorable. Simon Cowell accused Cheryl of being more interested in her other three acts than Treyc, as Treyc’s performance- while all undeniably good- had been inconsistent and she’d yet to find a real niche for her singing. Cheryl told Simon she and Treyc had a great bond, which made Simon ask the Geordie judge, to prove a point, where Treyc lives. THERE WAS THEN THE WORLD’S LONGEST PAUSE WHILE CHERYL RACKED HER BRAIN. Then she pulled this face:

 

 

Tonight one act (presumably Belle Amie) will be sent home. I wanna know who you think should be in the bottom two, and who you think the judges will be sending home.

 

Laters! x

“Basically…don’t put it on your bits” – Amy, The Only Way Is Essex.

Fake tan? Check. Fake boobs? Check. Vajazzle? Check. It’s all here on ITV2’s newest show, The Only Way Is Essex. Now before we even start, I’m not even sure I should be writing about it here as the whole thing is so staged it makes you wonder whether or not the onscreen “talent” have an off-switch for when filming ends. Either we can choose to live in a world where reality TV has to be 100% genuine, or we can- in the words of Simon Cowell- “embrace the madness”.

The Only Way Is Essex is absolute trash to the point I’m waiting for Michelle Bass to walk in as the new “classy bird”. Basically, the show follows six typical Essex youths (are you still a “youth” at 25? I’d reckon so) around and films their trials and tribulations. And, if they don’t do anything, the producers invent scenarios for them like in the second series where the whole cast miraculously ends up at the same speed dating event. If you need further proof of the sheer trashiness, here is my favourite “character” Amy, applying a vajazzle to her friend’s crotch.

 

My God. It’s awful, it’s trashy and it leaves a bad taste in your mouth. And I am completely in love with it.

“I can just imagine you painting a skirting board” – Cheryl Cole, X Factor 2010.

Last night was the very first live shows of The X Factor 2010. They’ve really upped their game with the sound effects and VTs, at various points in the night I felt like I was watching Avatar at an IMAX, I’m dreading the new “deadlock” effects, I fear the whole thing may induce some class of excitement-incurred heart attack. Unfortunately, despite the nature of live TV, no one (Cheryl or otherwise) punched anyone in the face and no one ran onto the stage with a pineapple on their head. Shame.

You probably watched it already (and if you didn’t then shame on you), so let’s just go over the stand-out performances of the night. I was initially going to review them all but there were a bloody lot of them, weren’t there? At one point I had to check my own pulse to make sure I wasn’t dead of old age. I’m all for giving a platform to talented people but come along now, 16 performances in one night’s a bit excessive isn’t it? Even Eurovision has Terry Wogan slagging the whole thing off in his usual tactless manner to distract you, but what does X Factor have? Dermot O’Leary and Louis Walsh. Good lord. Make mine a whisky. Hold onto your hats, folks…

BIG FAT MARY – IT’S A MAN’S MAN’S MAN’S WORLD

Now I’m not shy about my love for Mary “Big Fat Mary” Byrne, and last night she really proved herself as a real contender in the competition. Her performance was absolutely faultless. And she looked fierce (for a fat lass, obviously). I’ll tell you what it is, though, if I have to watch that footage of her behind her till at Tesco as if this is the most shameless job in the world I’m going to put my foot through the telly. I tell you what, though, I’m dying for Mary and Louis to get their own chatshow on ITV2 when The X Factor is over. Not since B*Witched has an explosion of irishness brought so much joy onto the world. Good on you, Mary. You’re definitely safe. For now.

 

MATT THE HAT – WHEN LOVE TAKES OVER

Matt is obviously not reading this blog, as in my last entry I suggested he take that stupid hat off when he’s indoors. Supposedly, Matt performed really well last night, but unfortunately his singing was drowned out by my own cries of “I wish he’d take that bloody hat off”, “he’s still wearing that hat”, “what the eff’s he doing still wearing that hat?” Seriously though, he was bloody good last night performing a SERIOUS version of David Guetta’s “When Love Takes Over” which was all well and good but really “When Love Takes Over” is an ARMS IN THE AIR DANCE SONG of epic proportions, so when you go changing it up and making it “all about the music” it ruffles my feathers a little bit and implies the original arrangement wasn’t good enough. I do like Matt but really is he bringing anything new to the table? NO HE IS NOT. Cheryl said she can imagine him painting a skirting board, which I hope is not a euphemism as this is her first X Factor as a single lady…

 

AIDEN THE BELL END – MAD WORLD

SOMEBODY SOUND THE SERIOUS ALARM IT’S TIME FOR AIDEN TO SING. Am I the only one who finds the above video absolutely terrifying?

That right there is the face of someone who knows where the bodies are hidden, isn’t it? It seems like everyone’s really raving about Aiden Grimshaw at the minute, but I simply do not get it. Largely because, as I will tell anyone who’ll listen, he is a massive bell end.

CHER “NO DESSERT FOR ME THANKS I’M STUFFED, JUST OFF TO THE TOILET” LLOYD – JUST BE GOOD TO ME

Cher Lloyd is a proper popstar. She is not by any means the best singer in the competition, she’s probably not even in the top 5, but she has this endearing quality about her that makes people talk about her. Last night she really redeemed herself after what can only be described as a disaster of a performance at Cheryl’s house, and I bloody enjoyed watching her let me tell you. One criticism, though. It seems that as the competition goes on, Cher is getting thinner and thinner which is simply no good whatsoever. Perhaps, living in a house with Big Fat Mary, she (and the other contestants) don’t get to see as many of the goodies from the snack cupboard as much as they’d like to (Cher: Has someone eaten the last of the HobNobs? – Mary *crumbs around mouth*: No…). I think this girl will go far and she deserves to. PLUS SHE RAPS. What’s not to love about a white woman rapping? Oh… now I remember. On a slightly unrelated note, LOOK AT THE PRIDE IN CHERYL’S FACE:

Amazing.

 

BELLE ENDE (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA) – AIRPLANES

Belle Amie are more than likely going tonight, and they deserve to because last night they were really rubbish. Their harmonies were all over the place and they looked like four random girls pulled off the street and forced to perform together. I wonder why that could be? PERHAPS IT IS BECAUSE THEY ARE FOUR RANDOM GIRLS PULLED OFF THE STREET. A massive failure on Simon Cowell’s part, and I think he knows it as well.

 

WAGNER – SHE BANGS/LOVE SHACK

At several points during Wagner’s performance I questioned whether or not my cup of tea had unknowingly been spiked with something a bit stronger than Splenda. I mean, really. What on earth is going on there? I paid £12 to see Jedward performing at Powerhouse last December (it was actually a horrible experience where we were packed in to the club like battery hens and, to pass the time, the man next to me decided to give his boyfriend a handjob. Up against me. I was not impressed), but even I can’t condone putting Wagner through. All I can say is that Louis clearly knows he doesn’t have the winning category, and putting Wagner through is his way of sticking his middle finger up at the competition. And speaking of extended digits– did anyone see Sharon Osbourne’s toe at Louis’ house??? WHAT A PECULIAR TOE IT IS.

Goodness me. Not so much “this little piggie went to market” as “what a big fat piggie”. The toe, not Sharon herself. She is far from a fat piggie, largely due to the gastric band she had fitted. Dear me.

 

UNLIKEABLE HOMOS – SUNNY

This news might shock and disturb you, but I myself am homosexually inclined. I’ll give you a moment to process that information, it does often catch people off guard when they hear. But as a gay man, I actually found the Diva Fever performance last night quite offensive, which is exactly what happens when you leave straight people to think things that will supposedly appeal to gay people. If you’re not in the club, you just don’t get it. You can’t deliberately make something “camp” because to make something “camp” is to make something deliberately “shite” and if something is deliberately “shite” then that’s exactly what it is. There’s more camp value in Big Fat Mary swishing her hips about to a giant ballad than in two generic homos in lycra shorts and insincere grins, and I don’t believe for one second that either of those boys will have come off the stage last night thinking anything other than “oh holy Mary I’ve just sent my integrity down the river”. When I heard Diva Fever were through I got excited and thought maybe an edgy gay duo could be just what Saturday night entertainment needs, I thought maybe Simon would use his loaf and give them an Adam Lambert or Scissor Sisters number to do. Instead we got that heap of nauseating rubbish wrapped in 20-year old sterotypes about gay people. Fair enough, Louie Spence was probably sat at home clapping his hands- but what about Peter Tatchell? What about Ian McKellen? What about Peter Mandelson? I’m sure they wouldn’t have been quite as thrilled at the tornado of glitter and spandex that took to the stage last night.

 

LASS WHO CRIES ALL THE TIME – TEARDROPS

Last night when she was finished singing, Simon Cowell obviously twigged that the “no confidence/cries all the time” schtick isn’t working very well and tried to diffuse the situation with a conversation that might as well have gone like this:

Simon: I just want to put all that to bed, now, because you’re not really like that are you?

Rebecca: No. *starts to cry*

Am I the only one who thinks she looks a lot like Janice from The Muppets?

 

Maybe that’s just me.

 

OK then folks, 7 minutes until tonight’s six hour long (practically) X Factor extravaganza gets going, so get comfy, get your tin of Celebrations on your knee (unless you’re Cher Lloyd for whom sniffing the wrappers is a feast enough) and get ready for more madness and mayhem. Don’t forget if you want to let me know who you’re loving, who you’re hating or anything else you can drop me a comment, which would simply be lovely.

Laters!

“I’m on one till, all the time” – Mary, X Factor 2010

Yes hello everyone and welcome to what can only be described as the ramblings of someone with nothing else going on in his life. But I bloody love X Factor, and I presume that if you’re reading this you have some class of interest in it yourself. So here’s what we’re going to do. Over the weekend you probably saw (I myself was working *booo* and going on a date *yaaay*) that the acts through to the live shows were narrowed down and revealed to the public in what is described by the man with the loud voice as JUUUUDGES’ HOOOOOUSES. What I’m going to do now is chat through who’s through to the live shows and what I reckon of them. IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER (as they used to say on Big Brother before the whole thing was deemed “irrelevant” and shelved).

THAT LASS FROM LIVERPOOL WHO CRIES ALL THE TIME

Rebecca Ferguson is someone who does not have very high self-esteem, which is odd because listening to her sing is a very enjoyable experience. Thing is though she has no charisma, largely due to the lack of aforementioned self-esteem. Now, Rebecca is not going to win The X Factor and it is foolish to pretend she will. She has a lovely voice and all that, but it is not going to sell records, is it? No it is not. Can you see Rebecca singing Broken Heels? Or Run? No, neither can I. Nice lass, bit of a bore though. Lovely.

THE GIRLBAND WITHOUT A NAME

These are a girlband but they don’t have a name. What a waste of my time. Let’s be honest, you can round four girls off the street and call them a girlband. In fact tomorrow I have a break between lectures and I might do just that, just to prove a point. Not really, but you see what i’m getting at. These girls can’t even be bothered to give themselves a name. They stand no chance. Adios, ladies!

THE LESS FIT OF THE TWO BOYBANDS

There are two boybands through this year. I find these boys a bit boring. They actually remind me a lot of barbershop music with all those harmonies all over the place, which reminds me of that episode of The Simpsons where Homer starts a barbershop quartet. I’m sure you know the one I’m talking about. George Harrison is in it for heaven’s sake. They are clearly petrified of Simon Cowell, which is a good place to be in as he is clearly one of the scariest people in the world today. Not being funny, but he could probably have you killed. Mind you, if that were true would Steve Brookstein still walk amongst us? No he would not. No he flaming well would not. FYD is this boyband’s name, by the way. I wonder what that stands for. I’m not going to research it, because I’m genuinely not interested in what they have to say.

CHERYL COLE 2.0

Cher Lloyd is bloody thin, isn’t she? I don’t mean to be distasteful, but I sort of want to slip her a sandwich on the sly. Quick, pet, Simon’s not watching, Greggs are having an offer on steak bakes, fill your boots!!! Seriously, though. She’s very young and doesn’t weigh very much at all. Her first audition made her appear, dare I say it, quite “fierce” but since then she’s appeared like some class of Lady Sovereign wannabe except heterosexual and therefore less interesting. At the moment, I believe Cher is up there among the favourites to win the series and while I believe she may have the most substantial career amongst the 12 finalists, I’m still not convinced she’s actually particularly talented. And also, while we’re slagging her off, let’s have a word about those eyebrows. She always looks surprised, doesn’t she? Something to work on, Cher.

ANDY THE BINMAN

Who is this person? It’s Andy the Binman from Series 2, isn’t it? At the end of the day he’s in the “Over 28s” category, and I have more chance of winning than any of those losers, so I’m not even going to waste my time chatting on about him. He’ll be back collecting our dustbins come January, let me tell you (of course, he’s not really Andy the Binman, but he does look a lot like him, do you not think?)

A HUMAN BEING NAMED STORM. FOR REAL.

If Storm Lee wins The X Factor then I will donate all of my possessions to charity and I mean that 100%. Literally. What a silly man. Silly name, silly hair. Overall, he’s just silly.

NOT GAMU

It might have escaped your attention, but Gamu has been in the news quite a bit this week. First of all, Cheryl Cole decided not to put her through. Then it turned out Cheryl Cole had received all kinds of ill-spirited death threats. Finally, it turned out Gamu is going to be deported. How unfortunate for her. And to think, all she wanted was to sing Walking On Sunshine and get on the telly. The picture above does not depict Gamu, this is Katie who must people think should be sitting at home now while Gamu lives it up in The X Factor house. Now, I feel a bit bad for Katie. People are saying she doesn’t deserve her chance at The X Factor because “she already has a recording contract”. This might be true but in 2010 anyone can get a recording contract. A recording contract is one thing but an actual shot at stardom is another. Simon Cowell described Katie as a “scarecrow” who might get blown over in the breeze, which I find an absolutely incredible metaphor that I would probably apply to myself, and this is why I have a certain empathy for Katie. The world is begging her to fail so Cheryl will look like a fool and Gamu will look like a true victor. Poor lass. More importantly, everyone I know is describing Katie as “a fake”, but at the end of the day anyone who believes The X Factor is actually more a talent competition than an entertainment show is a moron who should be deported instead of Gamu (what a distasteful remark, but whatever. My blog, my rules).

WHAT AN IDIOT

I’ll admit to you right here on this blog that I’m yet to read our module guide so I don’t know what’s appropriate and what’s not, but all I will say is that Nicolo is a massive, massive bell end. What. A. Bell. End.

HMMMMM…

It’s bands like 1Direction the expression “inappropriately fanciable” was ever invented in the first place. On the one hand you have Liam and Harry who are clearly lovely-looking individuals. On the other hand, the oldest member of this group is 17 which, at 19 years old, makes me somewhat uneasy. I hope they get booted out soon for the pure reason I don’t end up on some class of register (in all seriousness, folks, the youngest member of this group is 16 which, my law-studying friend assures me, makes it perfectly OK for me to fancy them).

MATT

I have literally just found out the name of this contestant, although I know he sang The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face at boot camp and it was simply lovely. Whenever I see him, though, I just wish he’d just take his silly hat off. Is it permanently glued to his head? As the picture above shows you, no it is not. I think Matt could be a dark horse, or at the very least he could be at threat to the Olly Murs empire (does one single count as an empire? Let’s say it does).

AGH

Another bell end. I have nothing else to say on the matter, to be honest.

BIG FAT MARY

You might not have heard this, but Mary off of The X Factor works in Tesco. No, really, she does. I’m being sarcastic, obviously, of course you know this, it’s all she talks about. You can ask her “How are you Mary?” and all she’ll start doing is banging on about her Club Card and telling you that every little helps. Truthfully, I like Mary. With this being the last series of The X Factor for a while, while Simon heads off to America and tries to make it work Stateside, I’d love an unconventional winner and I think Mary could be just that. PLUS– did you see her shaking her boobies at boot camp? It was amazing. Never mind her singing voice, if someone’s going to shake their boobies on the telly then they deserve to get through in my book. Probably just as well I’m not on the judging panel really, or Chloe Maffia would be the 2010 Christmas Number 1.

 

And there we have it, our 2010 X Factor Final 12. Some potential. Some losers. I’ll keep you posted!

D xx

“Don’t be tight this is my life” – Chloe Maffia, X Factor ’10

Hello MAC295 people,

We are all in the same room and my hair looks a proper mess. What a state, eh? I’m sure you are silently wondering to yourselves why I have even bothered showing up today with my hair looking as much of a state as it does. But this is a blog about reality TV and what is more real than someone who has sprinted into University with hair that clearly has not been done? The answer, of course, is nothing.

Basically, you’ve heard the ramblings, I like trashy telly and I like talking about it (truthfully I like talking about anything but that is neither here nor there) so hopefully this blog will help fill that void for me. At the minute X Factor’s the only reality show I’m particularly interested in (although Gavin Henson is on Strictly at the moment and if we’re all being honest with each other I definitely would) so I’ll be focusing mostly on that, so if you don’t watch it you probably won’t know what I’m talking about. APOLS.

We’re being chucked out now,

Laters! xx